How Fear Suffocates Life

Fear is griping, controlling, and ominous. It can dictate our paths and leave us as a crippled spectator in the game of life. 

There are many times I have stepped out regardless of fear and felt victorious. While there are other times I have stepped out, facing my fears and chasing my dreams, and fell flat on my face. 

Something inside of me only remembers the failures. Failing makes me want to give up and play it safe. When you are playing it safe you can't get hurt. There is no danger. However, there is no room for joy. 

Every time I have found out that I was expecting, I was scared to death. I could not figure out how I could be a mom or go through pregnancy. It never made sense. No matter that each time the circumstances were different. Sometimes better and sometimes worse. I was frightened. 

Had I let my fear dictate my life I would have missed out. Yes, children can be excruciatingly difficult but they can also bring excruciating joy. Joy that can be painful because it feels like your heart might explode. 

The book of Joshua keeps popping up in my life lately. God continuously tells Joshua not to be afraid. One might think Joshua had such strong faith that he would never fear. However, something tells me if God had to continue to remind him not to be afraid that he must have been scared to death. 

Maybe I'm not alone. Maybe being afraid doesn't mean my faith is lacking to the point that God can't use me. Maybe it is lacking to the point that he can pick me up and carry me when I don't have the strength and I can't see how things will turn out in the end. Maybe that can be used for His glory. 

They are the reason that I shouldn't fear. They are looking to me to teach them how to live life.  How to live it to the fullest and find happiness and joy in every moment. How to be an encourager and how to look for encouragement. 

I never want them to settle for a life less than all the adventures God has planned for them. 

It's hard to breathe with my head in my rear

It doesn't matter how many times you fall down. What matters is how you get back up. 

I just recently read an article on disappointment and it hit the nail on the head. I have struggled with disappointment all of my life. I have said before that I am a perfectionist. 

So what happens when a perfectionist is faced with the reality that she nor her life is perfect? 

Disappointment. 

It looms. It hangs over me like the gray northwest clouds. 

I get disappointed that I can't make everyone happy. I would so love to live in the land of make believe where I can be all things to all people  but you know what I realized?

That would make me god. And that is putting myself in a place that I  was never intended to be. People are imperfect. That's why we need a perfect God. 

And He is there. Waiting for me to get up and out of my funk. 

In the past several years I have experienced some disappointments. Very much brought on by my decision not to align my heart with God's calling or desire for my life.

I have tried to fulfill my life with my children, their education, my husband and his attention, a career, my abilities, and even religion and checking all the boxes for a good  "Christian". None of these things have brought complete fulfillment. 

When the object of my worship becomes anything other than God, disappointment sets in. 

With my extreme personality, I either want to save the world or hide from it. There is no in between. 

I can do an extremely good job of hiding when I have a baby. I take the job of keeping them well very personally and seriously. Having a two year old and a newborn has let me put myself in this hiding place for over two years now. 

In this place I can't do what God has called me to. I am not a good mother, wife, daughter, or friend.

I become absorbed with my failures. 

Well, I have decided that it is time to get my head out of my rear (for lack of better words) and quit wallowing in all of my mistakes.

You know what. I've screwed up. We all have and do everyday. It's time to hit the restart button and become what God intended me to be. 

It will be messy and ugly and never ever perfect........that is ok. 

I keep running across this song by Switchfoot. 

"Belief over misery. I've seen the enemy. And I won't go back. Back to how it was. And I got my heart set on what happens next. I've got my eyes wide it's not over yet. We are miracles and we're not alone."

This is home. 

Home can be and is a physical place but it can also be a place your mind lives. I want my mind to live in a place where belief trumps misery. I don't want to go back to how it was. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2cKNleDdUFY&sns=em 

Recap of 2013

Recap of 2013

Yes, it's February of 2014 but I was kind of busy bringing a person into the world in December. Better late than never, right?

Oh, 2013 what a year full of ups and downs.  Honestly, the start of a new year in Oregon can be kind of dreary. This lasts for quite sometime with no signs of letting up.  2013 was our first winter/spring in Oregon. If I said it was easy then I would be lying. 

We were trying our first attempt at homeschool/charter school with Isaac and Mallory. Zoe was walking and in to everything. Then we unexpectedly found out we were expecting.  Whew!

Deciding to stay at home and homeschool wasn't easy. One income is hard. One income and 4 kids.....harder. One income, 4 kids, new state/part of the country, homeschooling, toddlers, infants.....It was all overwhelming in my mind. 

Then right before summer officially started Isaac officially became a teenager!!  Erik and I came to grips with the fact that we are old and we will have a teenager and a newborn. Mind. blown.

Mallory also turned 8 and then in October Zoe turned 2!! She hit the terrible twos with full force and hasn't let up yet. 

To close the year Levi Kohen Emanuel came into the world. He is beautiful. 

I prayed through all of 2013 that God would provide Erik a job in Eugene. Since we have lived here he has worked out of town. After experiencing the dreariness of winter and spring and realizing that I was about to homeschool a teenager, an eight year-old, have a two year-old, and an infant, I knew I needed him to be closer to home. 

I am impatient. I prayed this prayer for over a year with nothing. I prayed that if God led us here that he wouldn't leave me here to drown in the day to day without Erik's help. Nothing. 

I became discouraged. I questioned. I gave up. I thought I needed Erik here in Eugene before Levi was born. It didn't happen. What was going to happen? What were we going to do?

Dramatic. I know. 

You know what happened? We survived. I gave birth in a foreign land (Eugene is pretty much like a different country compared to what I knew growing up in the South :). We had great help from my sister-in-law and brother and many meals brought from our church. 

Then just when I knew Erik would never be in Eugene everyday and I just needed to put on my big girl undies and get on with life, it happened!  He got a job offer here in Eugene and medical insurance!! Hallelujah!!  

I am too impatient. I worry. I give up. But God never gives up on us. He knew WHEN we needed this job. He heard my prayers which included insurance. 

Did it all happen when I thought it should?

 No. 

Did it happen when it needed to? 

Yes. 

Will we be millionaires who can take our children for vacations around the world or heck, who am I kidding, even just a trip to Disneyland?

No.

Are we learning to be patient?

Yes. 

Is it easy?

&$@@ NO!!!

Are we growing?

I sure hope so. 

Is it painful?

ABSOLUTELY!!!

Does a job complete our lives? No, but it is an answer to prayer. I feel like God is constantly telling me to be still and wait. Waiting is hard and listening is harder. 

What will 2014 bring?  Who knows?  We made it for a year, across the country from what was familiar, and we brought a new life into the world in 2013. 

In 2014 we will celebrate 15 years of marriage (and only like the first 15 were hard :)!! I don't know what else 2014 has in store but I am pretty sure it can't get much better than that!!!

The disease of perfection

Critical, harsh, unforgiving, self loathing these are all words I would use to describe my personality on most days. Wow! That's sunny and chipper, right? I know. Imagine living with that 24/7. Some of you can because you have the same tendency, while others may live with someone who has these same joyful personality traits. It's maddening. 

Complaining actually puts your brain in a bad funk. It's true. I heard there was a study on it. Look it up. 

My brain replays every sin that I can recall well, there are too many so maybe just the "highlights", daily. I am always trying to improve but I am constantly reminded of the horrible mistakes I made yesterday as well as many, many years ago. 

If feel like God is probably saying, "Seriously, you're going to bring up this again. I told you it's done. It's over. Move on!!" But thank goodness he has more patience with me than that. Although, I can't understand why. I would have been done with me long ago but he never gives up on us. 

I am also thankful that my husband never gives up on me. Unfortunately, this personality trait I have unleashes itself on those closest to me as well. No one likes to be reminded of their faults, failures, and everything they have said or done wrong continuously.  Love holds no record of wrongs.  

I expect my husband to know how to handle me and do what is best for me all the time. I expect him to speak gently, to calm me when I get in my type A craziness. Many times he does but he isn't perfect. He can't be my therapist and know how to "talk me down" from the ledge all the time. It is unfair of me to put that burden on him. 

God is the only one who can fulfill my needs of perfection. He is perfect. I never will be. When I am lost in my whirlwind of needing to be perfect and needing everyone else to be perfect, only He can calm my storm.  

I have to allow Him to soothe me. I can insist on intrinsically picking myself apart or picking my family apart or I can extrinsically reach out to God and reach out to others to be helpful instead of hurtful. I can enjoy instead of destroy. (That last part got a little charismatic preacher there.)

I don't share my shortcomings to air my dirty laundry or so that others might say "bless her heart". I share my faults so that maybe others who are struggling with perfection, which leads to depression, might know that they aren't alone or crazy. I know when I find that other people feel the same way I do or struggle with the same issues, it gives me comfort. 

We find God in the struggle. 

How did these get in my bedroom?

I once met a lady who was pregnant with her fourth child. As we were talking somehow the subject came to the fact that her new infant would be sharing a bedroom with her and her husband, due to lack of space in their home. I remember being appalled. 

You see at the time I was a young mom who was pregnant with my second child. I had a bedroom for everyone in my house and I just couldn't wrap my mind around setting up a nursery in my OWN bedroom. 

Oh. My. 

How silly and spoiled was I?

I also remember having a four bedroom home and only two children and actually thinking that I didn't know where I would put another baby if I had one, because my spare bedroom was used for the tread mill and all the other junk that we didn't know what to do with. 

Again. Wow. 

Looking back on that Miranda makes me want to puke. You see I thought that happiness meant stuff, large homes, new cars, pedicures, new clothes, and jewelry. I was annoying and no matter what I had there was always something new that I or my children had to have or else we wouldn't be like everyone else. 

I didn't want others to think I, or my children, were weird or strange or poor. Those labels terrified me!

Bless my heart. 

Now, I am that mom who is about to have four children and........my forth will be sharing a bedroom with my husband and I!  SHOCKING!!!!!

 My home is half the size of that four bedroom home I once had, and I am lucky enough to drive a nice van with room for all of these children. (It is still nice even though it has a large dent in the front bumper. I blame that on pregnancy and sleep deprivation.)

I never want to be the Miranda that I use to be. Although, she still rears her ugly head from time to time to whine about things. (If I am honest her head looks better than the current Miranda's because she keeps her roots done.)  I am trying my best to keep her at bay.

Levi might not get his own bedroom. Actually, he may NEVER get his own bedroom but I hope that I can give him and my other children much more than that. 

Top 10 Reasons That I Will Not Miss Pregnancy

1.Sleeping "comfortably" requires 5-6 pillows strategically place around my body. 

2. I am not a fan of waking up with one or both arms or hands "asleep" and then having to stay awake while I move them feverishly in hopes that the circulation will return to them. I won't lie. Due to my thoughts being clouded because of sleepiness, I have thought that feeling might never return to them leaving me unable to move my hands or arms for the duration of my pregnancy. I have been known to overreact from time to time. 

3. Waking to a leg cramp that feels like I will never be able to straighten my leg again due to the piercing pain. I told you, I might overreact a little.

4. Looking in the mirror to see that it appears that I have been stung by an entire bee hive full of bees, due to the swelling that has occurred not only to my face but my entire body. 

5.Trying to decide whether sitting down is worth all the pain and effort of getting back up in five minutes to go to the restroom, yet again. 

6. Planning my trips up and down the stairs to make each trip efficient so that I don't have to do it but a few times a day.  Then crying due to the realization that it is inevitable that I will forget something and my plans will be thrown out the window. 

7. Walking. All walking hurts and feels like I deserve a brownie just for attempting it. 

8. Eating. You would think this would be enjoyable to a pregnant lady. While I do enjoy the taste of food, I do not enjoy the feeling that knives are stabbing my esophagus as I try to swallow it. Thank you indigestion. 

9. Varicose veins - Anyone who has experienced these can give me an amen. My legs look as though I have been beaten with a baseball bat. I have blue and purple bulging veins all over my legs. While they will never fully go away, one of the great rewards I will always carry from pregnancy, they do get much better once I am not carrying all of this extra weight and blood. (I know gross, put your big boy/girl pants on please. Life and labor are much more disgusting. It's beautiful.)

10. Going to my weekly doctor visit only to find that I have gained 5lbs in a week!! I swear I have eaten healthy except for all that chocolate cake, sweet tea, and "granola" bars (Let's just call them what they really are, candy bars with some grains.)

I am aware that the rewards of pregnancy far out weigh all of my moaning and groaning but sometimes we just have to laugh to keep from crying. Or go eat a pan of brownies and make ourselves feel better. 

Super husband

A few weeks ago we had a scare. I started having severe stomach pains which felt like I was going into preterm labor. After calling Erik, he decided he needed to leave work and take me to the doctor.  With the help of a dependable friend, (thanks Audrey), to take care of the children, we went to the doctor. Thank goodness we found out it was only a stomach virus.  ONLY A STOMACH VIRUS!! This was one of the most horrible experiences that a pregnant woman can go through! I was pretty sure I wasn't going to survive. (I am a little dramatic.)

Anyway, the point to all of this drama is how my husband saved the day. Now, one of my parenting goals is to teach my girls to never look for a man to be her knight in shinning armor. We all have flaws and no one will complete your life and "save" you. That is chick flick garbage at its best. However, I do want them to see how their daddy swoops in and takes care of their sick pregnant mother while taking care of everything else in the house. I want them to find that godly man who will take care of them when they need help. In sickness and in health, for better or worse, for richer or poorer. Sometimes I think we forget what those words really mean.

Erik had to deal with my whining from my quarantined bedroom upstairs. He had to run up and down the stairs a million times bringing me things I needed. He had to run to the store and pharmacy about a dozen times. All while homeschooling two children to get them ready for their community day on campus the following day, taking care of our almost two year old, cooking for them, cleaning up all of our messes, etc.   He swooped in and took care of EVERYTHING without complaining at all.

 I know some of you may think "This isn't a big deal, quit bragging." But unfortunately I don't seem to praise him for all he does enough. I suspect many of us don't praise our spouses for all the sacrifices they make for our families. This is something that I intend to correct. 

Days like that make me realize that we ARE going to make it. You know there are days when the chaos piles up and you think you will never survive. This incident could have been one of these times but it made me realize that even though it is tough, Erik and I can do this together, as long as we are seeking God and depending on Him. 

I Corinthians 13