Friday, March 28, 2014

How Fear Suffocates Life

Fear is griping, controlling, and ominous. It can dictate our paths and leave us as a crippled spectator in the game of life. 

There are many times I have stepped out regardless of fear and felt victorious. While there are other times I have stepped out, facing my fears and chasing my dreams, and fell flat on my face. 

Something inside of me only remembers the failures. Failing makes me want to give up and play it safe. When you are playing it safe you can't get hurt. There is no danger. However, there is no room for joy. 

Every time I have found out that I was expecting, I was scared to death. I could not figure out how I could be a mom or go through pregnancy. It never made sense. No matter that each time the circumstances were different. Sometimes better and sometimes worse. I was frightened. 

Had I let my fear dictate my life I would have missed out. Yes, children can be excruciatingly difficult but they can also bring excruciating joy. Joy that can be painful because it feels like your heart might explode. 

The book of Joshua keeps popping up in my life lately. God continuously tells Joshua not to be afraid. One might think Joshua had such strong faith that he would never fear. However, something tells me if God had to continue to remind him not to be afraid that he must have been scared to death. 

Maybe I'm not alone. Maybe being afraid doesn't mean my faith is lacking to the point that God can't use me. Maybe it is lacking to the point that he can pick me up and carry me when I don't have the strength and I can't see how things will turn out in the end. Maybe that can be used for His glory. 

They are the reason that I shouldn't fear. They are looking to me to teach them how to live life.  How to live it to the fullest and find happiness and joy in every moment. How to be an encourager and how to look for encouragement. 

I never want them to settle for a life less than all the adventures God has planned for them. 

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

It's hard to breathe with my head in my rear

It doesn't matter how many times you fall down. What matters is how you get back up. 

I just recently read an article on disappointment and it hit the nail on the head. I have struggled with disappointment all of my life. I have said before that I am a perfectionist. 

So what happens when a perfectionist is faced with the reality that she nor her life is perfect? 


It looms. It hangs over me like the gray northwest clouds. 

I get disappointed that I can't make everyone happy. I would so love to live in the land of make believe where I can be all things to all people  but you know what I realized?

That would make me god. And that is putting myself in a place that I  was never intended to be. People are imperfect. That's why we need a perfect God. 

And He is there. Waiting for me to get up and out of my funk. 

In the past several years I have experienced some disappointments. Very much brought on by my decision not to align my heart with God's calling or desire for my life.

I have tried to fulfill my life with my children, their education, my husband and his attention, a career, my abilities, and even religion and checking all the boxes for a good  "Christian". None of these things have brought complete fulfillment. 

When the object of my worship becomes anything other than God, disappointment sets in. 

With my extreme personality, I either want to save the world or hide from it. There is no in between. 

I can do an extremely good job of hiding when I have a baby. I take the job of keeping them well very personally and seriously. Having a two year old and a newborn has let me put myself in this hiding place for over two years now. 

In this place I can't do what God has called me to. I am not a good mother, wife, daughter, or friend.

I become absorbed with my failures. 

Well, I have decided that it is time to get my head out of my rear (for lack of better words) and quit wallowing in all of my mistakes.

You know what. I've screwed up. We all have and do everyday. It's time to hit the restart button and become what God intended me to be. 

It will be messy and ugly and never ever perfect........that is ok. 

I keep running across this song by Switchfoot. 
"Belief over misery. I've seen the enemy. And I won't go back. Back to how it was. And I got my heart set on what happens next. I've got my eyes wide it's not over yet. We are miracles and we're not alone."
This is home. 

Home can be and is a physical place but it can also be a place your mind lives. I want my mind to live in a place where belief trumps misery. I don't want to go back to how it was.