15 years of marriage

I've been excited about our 15th anniversary all year. I've thought about how we should celebrate. Should we renew our vows? Should we go away for the weekend? What awesome, incrediblely thoughtful gift am I going to get Erik that finally trumps all of the sweet gifts he has planned for me over the past 16 years?

This was going to be epic!  The day has come!  It's November 19th! We've been married 15 years! And guess what? I've got nothing. I mean I am completely and totally a major failure when it comes to gift giving. We are always operating on very little funds so a big expensive gift just isn't going to happen until all of our children have jobs (and I get a job too). 

Somehow asking him to give me the money he has worked for so that I can go buy him a gift feels less than fabulous. I should save up for things like this over the course of the year but life happens. Cars breakdown (or I run into things or other cars), moves across the country happen for the second time in two years, a new to us home needs to be purchased that while suits our style and uniqueness, needs some t.l.c. which causes major fund dispersion. 

That's just life or our life anyway. And then there is just normal life with kids. 3 of us have pink eye, 5 of us have a cold, 1 is injured, it just goes on and on because that's life with kids. It's unpredictable and completely predictable all at the same time.

The mess, pain, and heartache that occurs because we are human just happens. And for some reason it always takes us by surprise because we want to think that our lives should run smoothly and undisrupted by the natural occurrences of life. 

I don't deal with life well on most occasions. Especially during pregnancy and probably for the year or so after. It just rattles me and crazy hormones don't help. But when I can't handle life, which is a lot, my husband is there. He's unshaken even though I cause a lot of tremors or straight up earthquakes. He stays. 

He doesn't let me give up and he doesn't give up on me. Even though I can be irrational, shocking I know, and unreasonable. Even though I can scream and hurt with my words because I'm just so tired of the daily struggles sometimes. He doesn't leave. He's helped me hang on the past few years when I really didn't see what I could hang on to. 

He would say I did the same for him in the past and it's just time for him to return the favor but I know the truth. He's been the glue. Even though we've both made mistakes I'm the one who flounders. I'm the one who wants to throw in the towel but not him. He digs in his heels even though he may not know what to do, he stands firm. He keeps us together. He keeps our family pressing forward. 

I don't know how he carries us all. We are an unbearably heavy load. I hope that as we press on that I'll feel strong enough to bear the load so he doesn't have to all the time. But I am so thankful that he continues to carry us so that our family can get stronger. 

Maybe my epic gift failure can turn into a victory. Maybe just for this one day I can help bear the load. Maybe I can show him how much I appreciate how he has kept us together, kept us afloat, and kept me going. 

15 years of marriage makes me excited because I'm not naive enough to think that a marriage is unbreakable simply because you say you will always stay together. The for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and in health is really a lot more complicated than it sounds.  

Life happens and we all have our own burdens and struggles. We aren't immune to it all. We haven't done it all right and we never will but I'm thankful that we can look back on these bumpy 15 years and celebrate that we've hung on and I hope we cling to each other for the next 50+. 

Reflecting on Veteran's Day

I am so very thankful for the men and women who have protected us. The men and women who have laid down their lives, left their families, their homes, their country to go to a foreign land where they are unsure of the dangers that may await them. Places where they are hated for who they are and what they do. They sacrifice everything to bring safety to others. Those who have served and are serving are to be commended for their bravery. 

While thinking about Veteran's Day and how thankful I am that there are those who serve our country, I began to think what if there were no need for any soldiers in the world? What if each and every human began to think of each and every other human in this world as worthy? What if we all saw each other as vital and important?

You see the evil and hurt in the world begin when life isn't viewed as precious. The degradation of life begins when we see others as less than ourselves and begin using them for our pleasure or hurting them for our gain. When we think that our view is so right that others should be treated as dirt or trash who do not share the same view. When people are killed and their lives thought of as expendable due to furthering a cause or furthering an extremist religion. 

We are all capable of this hate. There is not one of us who is so inherently good that they could not be capable of destroying another. Hate is passed down through families. It is taught. It is modeled. Hate is also forced upon children by others. They are forced or indoctrinated into these destructive beliefs. 

What if it all didn't exist? What if children were not taught to hate through abuse, anger, and judgement? What if we could raise a generation who sees the good in all people? 

There would be no more hate groups. No more terrorists. No more power hungry leaders who will kill to further their nation. No more kids who think the only solution is pick up a gun and stop the pain. No more drugs and violence. 

It all sounds so utopian and like a dream that will never happen. But I can't help to think that the Gospel calls us to this. It doesn't call us to hate. It doesn't call us to judge. It doesn't call us to kill. It calls for grace. It calls for love. It calls for mercy. 

Jesus asked His Heavenly Father to forgive those who violently murdered Him because they didn't know what they were doing. I can't help but to think that He looks at all mankind this way. We don't know what we are doing. We hold all of the keys to a world full of good things. A world full of people achieving the best that they can, being the best version of themselves that they can be. Jesus laid it all out for us. He lived the life. He walked the walk. He was our example. 

So on this Veteran's Day while I am so thankful for those who have served us, I pray that one day our soldiers wouldn't have to put their lives on the line. That all over the world people could recognize this short, precious gift we've been given, that is life. 

Writing Towards Sanity

I desperately want to write. I want to have something to do that I enjoy. Life is short. What am I good at? What gets my blood pumping? What am I passionate about?

I am passionate about my children and being a mom. But I have found myself losing the excitement of being a stay at home homeschool mom. (As glamorous and exciting as the job sounds :). I crave some sort of creative outlet. Creating with paint or other materials is too exhausting a job with a 3 year-old and a baby running/crawling around (plus I'm not really good at that). All I can seem to find time to do while nursing the baby, or lying extremely still beside them so they will nap, is write. 

Writing is my outlet. My husband, my biggest cheerleader and fan, tells me that I am an artist and I need to create. What?  No. Not me. I've never been artsy or creative. Everything I touch or try to create turns into a big mess or it looks really great for kindergarten art. 

I have to use my words. I need a release. We all do. Life is fleeting. We need to enjoy it. That's not an excuse to do whatever we want and whatever makes us "feel"good at the expense of our health or at the expense of others. However, we need to enjoy life. 

Do things that invigorate us. Do things that make us smile and make us laugh. Do those things that seem too hard or out of reach.

Travel. Experience new places and cultures. See the world from a different viewpoint so that maybe we can understand or sympathize. So that our minds aren't so closed and our hearts aren't so hard. 

Breathe. Relax. Smile. Laugh. Cry. Love. Sympathize. Understand. See the Beauty in Life and Living. Write Your Story. 

"Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion." Truvy (Dolly Parton) Steel Magnolias

Dear God....Are You There?

There seems to be this underlying tone in our Christian societies and churches that makes us feel that it's wrong to question. What if someone were to be really honest in Sunday school or small group and just come right out and say, "I'm not really sure that I believe in all of this. In Jesus being the son of God, in the existence of God, in the validity of the Bible. Can someone please tell me why I should believe?"

What would we do?  I would like to think that our Christian gatherings are warm, welcome places. That people's jaws wouldn't drop to the floor. That the person who is searching for answers wouldn't then be gossiped about for needing prayer because they aren't "saved".

I would love to think that but I know I have been the person that in my longing to help this questioning person, has turned them into a project. A person that I need to help "save" and I was also afraid of them.  If they aren't sure that they believe then they aren't a Christian and satan must have a hold on them and they aren't "safe".

But in my brutal honesty I will admit that over the past few years I have become the searcher. I question God's existence. Is He really there?  Have we as people made all of this up to make ourselves feel better and help society have a stronger moral code to live by?

I haven't dared to utter these words aloud to my Christian friends out of fear of being a major disappointment. If I have a good spiritual life I couldn't doubt, could I?  I would become a complete and total let down and be looked at as a fraud.

Well, I don't have all the answers and I think it's ok to question. No doubt my deep sense of despair and questioning has come through trying times. Through transition, through the birth of babies, through the loss of jobs, money, and things, through the loss of stability at times, it left me feeling hopeless.

When in years past I would dig in my heals and cry out to God during trying times, I began to falter. I would cry out, "God, if you're really there please just show me. Give me a sign."  And even though He was holding my hand, I couldn't feel Him. Even though there were signs of His faithfulness, I couldn't see them. I don't think God put me in a pit of despair but I think I have learned more from being in pits than I will ever learn when I am high on top of a mountain.

I've learned that it's ok to not have all the answers. Although, I would love to know more about God's word and who He really is, no one knows it all. The Gospel is a mystery. I have to put in the hard work to study and work on my relationship with God but, I will never know it all and some things are unexplainable. There is more gray than black and white and that is ok.

We don't have to have all of the answers and anyone who claims to have them is a fraud. We do have to put forth the effort to study His word. That is easier said than done because honestly when I have some quiet time away from the kids I want to sit in peace and watch TV. I have to put forth the effort to find the answers to my questions. No one can find them for me. Although there are some great preachers, teachers, and speakers out there, they can't answer all of my questions and they can't make my relationship with God stronger. Only I can do that.

I am thankful for my pit because I no longer fear the unbeliever because I have been the unbeliever. The person who is scared of the judgment of the church or that they will always be labeled a sinner, I am that person. And I will still continue to battle that gossiper who places judgment on others. She likes to creep up too. I will still continue to wrestle with both sides because I am human. I'm not afraid to admit it.

I will let others down and myself because I am not perfect and I never will be but I have to believe there is a God who is and He wants to love us and know us more. He doesn't want to rain down hell, fire, and damnation on us for our questions or unbelief or wandering. He wants to welcome us home with a wonderful party.

Luke 15:11-32

Mommy Wars...Welcome to the Cage Fight!

Stay at home mom vs. working mom. 

Public school vs. homeschool vs. private school vs. charter school.....Oy Vey!!!! Can't we all just get along?!?!?

We've all seen the "Mommy Wars" played out online through blogs, comments, and articles. I've been in the trenches in this battle as a participator and as a spectator. 

I've participated in both sides of the condescending and degrading comments such as..."What does she have to do all day?" Referring to the stay at home mom and then of course there is....."Well, if all I had to do was sit at home all day I would......" Fill in the rest of that sentence with whatever judgement fits the circumstance. And....."She just doesn't want to work." Implying that the stay at home mom is lazy. 

Then there's the judgment of the working mom. "Well, she just drops her kids off with someone else all day long. She has to make that money so she can pay for that lifestyle."  Blah, blah and so on.  

And Where do I even begin with what others say about homeschooling moms? We are freaks of nature. Our kids can't possibly go to college (even though they do and often times before completing high school just as they can in public school) or function normally in society. 

All homeschooling parents must think public school is the devil. (Which we don't. I think each family and child has a unique set of circumstances. Sometimes homeschooling is best, sometimes public, sometimes private, and even though I would be chastised in Montgomery, AL, sometimes charter schools.....gasp! Why don't we figure out how states that have thriving public and public charter schools do it? I don't know, I'm just a crazy homeschooler.)

I've been on ALL sides of this battle. I admired and was envious of stay at home moms when I was a working mother and now I admire and am envious of working moms now that I am a prisoner...um...I mean...stay at home mom. (Jokes and sarcasm intended)

So here's the point. We all want what we don't have. It's human nature. Someone else's life always looks more enticing than our own. "The grass is always greener" but then when you get over to that "grass" you see (and smell) all of the fertilizer, and it doesn't smell like scentsy or essential oils.  (In case you were wondering, it's poop. I believe I may have written these same words before, but it's a never ending battle and could stand to be reiterated.)

I've heard it said time and time again, we have to water our own grass. If our grass is dying, then we have to do something about it. Sometimes that requires stinky fertilizer, (which is a metaphor for hard work.) 

What we shouldn't do is start lashing out at the person or people who appear to have what we want. (And by "we" I mean "me",  preaching to myself) Or the ones who appear happier than we are because 99% of the time they are fighting their own battle that we know nothing about.  As my husband put it most of us are "like a duck on the water, it looks calm and peaceful from above but underneath it is moving it's feet as fast as it can."  

Before we moved to Eugene I was terrified of raising my children on the "liberal" west coast. That was my view of it because I had never lived out of the south. I was terrified of the unknown. I felt like I didn't belong there but I grew to love it, while still feeling like an outsider. 

However, I feel like an outsider in the south too. I love it but I've never felt like I belong here either. I know that's probably all of my own psychological issues. (Someone needs to crack open the DSM and diagnose me. I'm just kidding. Please don't. :)

I think in all of this transition and change I have gained some insight.  I haven't figured anything out or gotten any answers necessarily, but I realized that we are all just people. 

We are all just trying to live our lives. We are all trying to figure it all out and it gets messy and we make mistakes (sometimes big, sometimes small). In the end we are all just trying to make it through. 

The south has some great qualities and so does the west. Stay at home moms have some great perks but so do working moms. For the most part we are all just people trying to do the best we can with what we have. I don't think there is a perfect answer or a perfect place, at least not here on Earth in this life. 

So for me while I try to figure out what will work best for my family....While I try to navigate homeschool vs. public school vs. private school vs. working mom vs. stay at home mom....I am challenging myself to stay in a healthy mind set. To not offer judgement to those who do things differently than I do and to not covet what they have or envy them. 

I have my own unique circumstances and my own unique children. I'll probably get this wrong more than I will get it right but I will keep trying. 

Now if I could just figure out how to turn writing my thoughts into making money then I would be a stay at home mom/working mom. I'm sure that would offer it's own set of issues which would require it's own blog. I would just settle for a writing seminar with Jen Hatmaker and Ann Voskamp. Let's make that happen!

Going Home

As the saying goes, "You can't go home again."  I guess that's quotation mark worthy. Not really sure who gets the credit, but I think they might be wrong. 

You CAN go home again. I should know. My family and I have done it in the past and we are about to embark on the adventure of returning home once more. 

Oregon has been amazing in so many ways. It's beauty is absolutely breath taking. The people have been so kind. We have learned and grown so much as a family. We have leaned on each other like never before. We have welcomed a new member of our family. It has been an unforgettable experience. 

While it has been unforgettable and amazing, I would be lying if I didn't say that it has also been challenging. We have been stretched like never before, although I am well aware that even in our trying times we still have had it really good. Our family has so many things to be thankful for. 

We have learned even more about ourselves and sometimes it's been ugly, but I suspect that most of the time growth is painful and not very pretty. 

Erik and I have prayed for a long time for guidance and direction for our family. I truly feel that we were guided here for a season to learn and grow. Now we feel that we are being guided to Albertville, Alabama. 

This was in no way a decision that was made without falling on our face before God and begging for His direction. Well, I'll be honest because I am honest to a fault (that's for sure). I've screamed and cried like a baby. Not because I don't want to return to Alabama, but because I don't want to go anywhere that God isn't leading, and I have found that KNOWING for sure where He is leading is not exactly crystal clear many times.

 More times than not we just have to pray, see where the doors are opening and where they are closing, and step out on faith. I found this to be true two years ago when we embarked on this westward adventure and I still find it to be true today as we are about to embark on a trip southward. 

Sometimes I picture that God might grow tired of my endless questions, which primarily have been consumed with need for direction lately.  In my mind I picture Him thinking....seriously...here she is again! Screaming like a baby asking for direction. Could she just settle down a little? 

I think of all of the mothers who have children dying of starvation, diseases, being murdered or sold into slavery, and here I am crying over what type of education I should give my children or what privileged area of the United States I am going to raise them in? Really? I just need to get over myself.

HOWEVER, our God loves us more than we can ever imagine (even though I question Him, ask Him to prove He is really there and really listening to my whinny self) Despite all of my short comings (and there are too many to count) He loves me. Why? I don't know. But I do know that His word tells us that He loves us and He wants to give us good things. 

"If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" Matthew 7:11 NIV 

While we will greatly miss Oregon and the people here, we are looking forward to a new chapter. We hope that we are returning home with a new vision, a new direction in our lives, AND we can't wait to spend time with family and worship and grow once again with our friends at Lifepoint. 

Oh.....and we hope to introduce Sand Mountain to a little thing called lacrosse :)

Does God Love Immigrant Children and Muslims?

It happens. And it can be humiliating. Your child, there in a public place, screaming and crying. You feel the stares, the judgement. As if that isn't enough to make you want to sit down and cry, someone decides to offer their judgement and condemnation aloud about the fact that you have "so many kids" and that you can't control them. 

That's it. My day feels deflated. I feel like a total loser who in the words of many (which use to include myself) obviously just breeds and lives off the government. Or, I am a mindless woman who thinks that all she can do in life is be barefoot and pregnant. 

I know to many these seem like harsh statements coming from a place of hurt and hatred but this is how many women in our society feel. Why?  Why do we do this to each other?

I'll be the first to admit I am quick to judge. This is something that I feel like God has been dealing with me over the past couple of years. I pray almost daily for God to make my heart and mind more like His, even though I am light years away from that, I think by bringing me to my knees, my mind and heart have started to change. 

Our family has faced many hardships over the past few years. Many times due to our own mistakes but at other times due to unforeseeable circumstances. 

In my mind, the only way I was capable of showing love and compassion to "the least of these" was to be "above them".  Not having "too many kids", having plenty of money and resources, these were some of the qualifications in my mind for helping others. How could I offer anything if I don't have enough myself?

In reality, I have more than enough. My family does not go hungry. We have transportation, healthcare, clean water, good housing. When I start running down the list of these basic things that many in our world live without, then I am rich. 

So as an election year approaches I ask the question.....Can we stop pledging our allegiance to being liberal, conservative, democrat, or republican, libertarian, or whatever we might consider ourselves? Why don't we just start being human?  

Why don't we reach out and help that poor struggling mother in the grocery store?  Why don't we offer a hand or a smile, instead of judging her purchases and life choices as she uses her food stamp card?

Even though I might be struggling too, why don't I reach out with a "I feel your pain and you're doing a good job Mommy. Even though you may feel like you are drowning right now, just keep treading water. You'll soon see the shore and it will be beautiful."

If someone chooses to have "a lot of kids" or no children. Why should we judge?  If someone chooses to marry or not, work or stay home, homeschool their children or choose public school, or private school, why should any of this matter?  

Can we just cheer each other on?  Can we offer a helping hand and a kind uplifting word?  Can we stop thinking maybe they "deserve it" if they are struggling or dealing with misfortune? 

What if we all started looking at each other through God's eyes?  We are ALL His children. He loves us ALL. 

Those immigrant moms, dads, sons, and daughters who are scared, hungry, and sick at our borders. He loves them. 

Those Muslim extremists who are beheading the weak and innocent. He loves them. He wants them to come to Him and know Him and change their hearts. 

The person who is dying of a horrible communicable disease that the world is terrified of. He loves them. 

I believe what God wants is for us to show love to each other right where we are. Sure, there are risks involved. There are many who won't accept His love. They won't allow it to penetrate their cold, unwilling hearts. They have been trained to hate since birth. Their mind can't leave that place. It's all they know. 

That's why it is even more important for those of us who have felt God's grace and love to show it and give it freely and train our children to do the same. We may be the only light some may see. Our smile and caring gesture may touch their hearts. It might just keep them from the edge. To know that someone cares or that there is actually a kind heart in this world just might stop a bullet. It might save a life. 

You never know what one act of kindness might spark. When we stop looking at each other through economic, political, religious, cultural and racial stereotypes, with our predispositions and misconceptions then maybe....just maybe...there will be room for God's love, grace, kindness and mercy. 

What would our world look like then?