Dear God....Are You There?

There seems to be this underlying tone in our Christian societies and churches that makes us feel that it's wrong to question. What if someone were to be really honest in Sunday school or small group and just come right out and say, "I'm not really sure that I believe in all of this. In Jesus being the son of God, in the existence of God, in the validity of the Bible. Can someone please tell me why I should believe?"

What would we do?  I would like to think that our Christian gatherings are warm, welcome places. That people's jaws wouldn't drop to the floor. That the person who is searching for answers wouldn't then be gossiped about for needing prayer because they aren't "saved".

I would love to think that but I know I have been the person that in my longing to help this questioning person, has turned them into a project. A person that I need to help "save" and I was also afraid of them.  If they aren't sure that they believe then they aren't a Christian and satan must have a hold on them and they aren't "safe".

But in my brutal honesty I will admit that over the past few years I have become the searcher. I question God's existence. Is He really there?  Have we as people made all of this up to make ourselves feel better and help society have a stronger moral code to live by?

I haven't dared to utter these words aloud to my Christian friends out of fear of being a major disappointment. If I have a good spiritual life I couldn't doubt, could I?  I would become a complete and total let down and be looked at as a fraud.

Well, I don't have all the answers and I think it's ok to question. No doubt my deep sense of despair and questioning has come through trying times. Through transition, through the birth of babies, through the loss of jobs, money, and things, through the loss of stability at times, it left me feeling hopeless.

When in years past I would dig in my heals and cry out to God during trying times, I began to falter. I would cry out, "God, if you're really there please just show me. Give me a sign."  And even though He was holding my hand, I couldn't feel Him. Even though there were signs of His faithfulness, I couldn't see them. I don't think God put me in a pit of despair but I think I have learned more from being in pits than I will ever learn when I am high on top of a mountain.

I've learned that it's ok to not have all the answers. Although, I would love to know more about God's word and who He really is, no one knows it all. The Gospel is a mystery. I have to put in the hard work to study and work on my relationship with God but, I will never know it all and some things are unexplainable. There is more gray than black and white and that is ok.

We don't have to have all of the answers and anyone who claims to have them is a fraud. We do have to put forth the effort to study His word. That is easier said than done because honestly when I have some quiet time away from the kids I want to sit in peace and watch TV. I have to put forth the effort to find the answers to my questions. No one can find them for me. Although there are some great preachers, teachers, and speakers out there, they can't answer all of my questions and they can't make my relationship with God stronger. Only I can do that.

I am thankful for my pit because I no longer fear the unbeliever because I have been the unbeliever. The person who is scared of the judgment of the church or that they will always be labeled a sinner, I am that person. And I will still continue to battle that gossiper who places judgment on others. She likes to creep up too. I will still continue to wrestle with both sides because I am human. I'm not afraid to admit it.

I will let others down and myself because I am not perfect and I never will be but I have to believe there is a God who is and He wants to love us and know us more. He doesn't want to rain down hell, fire, and damnation on us for our questions or unbelief or wandering. He wants to welcome us home with a wonderful party.

Luke 15:11-32