A New Easter

Easter and it's traditions have changed for us since we have moved to Oregon. No fancy new clothes. No large family gatherings. Things are different here. 

I miss a lot of our old traditions, but I have realized that I need to make new ones. 

(These are my children hunting eggs in very non-traditional, southern Easter attire.)

I started thinking about making new traditions when we first moved here and it overwhelmed me. How do I let go of the past and embrace the present?

I have found that this move has been refining me. Hopefully, it's a process of sanctification, if I will allow it. 

I have had to focus on the REAL meaning of the holidays. Not that I didn't before, but in my search for what should be emphasized in my family, I found that I had to get real with myself. 

That is absolutely terrifying and disgustingly ugly. You know what I found....I'm not really a nice person. 

I desire to focus on God and His love for us and how he sent his one and only son to die a horrible, humiliating death for us. And Jesus did all of that then He rose again. He beat death!!!

Not only did He do ALL OF THAT, he taught us so many things in His short time on this earth. He taught us to love everyone. Not judge and condemn (that's not our job) but love, help, and invest. 

I have a hard time with that. Loving others is messy. It takes time. I will probably say and/or do something stupid or offensive and mess it all up. Why put myself out there like that?

But.....if I REALLY BELIEVE then I will. I will put my money where my mouth is and try to know people and love them. 

That has become EXTREMELY hard for me. I don't like the risk that relationships involve.  There inevitably will be a goodbye involved and I am terrible at saying goodbye. I would rather chew my own arm off than say goodbye to someone I may or may not see again. 

However, that is the price of love. I imagine that Jesus felt the same sadness of goodbye, even though He knew the outcome, He understands our feelings. I imagine that Jesus' mother was distraught as well as His disciples. 

Understanding that I have to live out the gospel, love others, and invest in them no matter where I am is tough. Risk is always involved. Someone may want to take more than I can give or I may be a total let down to anyone who gets to know me, but the effort must be given in order to have life and have it more abundantly. 

That's the new tradition that I desire for my family. A tradition of discipleship, really knowing and studying the Gospels and prophecy in the Bible, serving and loving all of those around us. No matter the differences or the risk of investment. 

"Love alone is worth the fight."

Switchfoot 

Save the drama for your mama....oh wait, please don't!!!!

My two year-old is a drama queen with a capital D!!  Most days start off with crying drama the minute she wakes up. Her sister walked out of the bedroom before her, she doesn't want a diaper change (Even though her diaper is bursting and leaking all over her.), she wants to watch T.V., etc.  Poor Zoe can have an emotional break down over ANYTHING at ANYTIME.

While her constant roller coaster of drama can make me feel as though I am trapped inside a glass case of emotion, believe it or not...... I get bored.  How on earth I could ever find the time to be board is a complete mystery, but somehow I do.

It is the monotony of the everyday. Being a stay at home mom can be so rewarding and fulfilling however, when I know exactly how the day will unfold, and I may not even make it out of the house (depending on the day's schedule), it can bring a person to tears.

In this boredom/monotony, I can find myself cycling into a doubt. I get stuck in a rut so I get down and when I get down I can doubt that God is even there. (I know not another depression blog but stick with me :)

Don't get me wrong, I truly believe that He is there and I have believed in His power since I was a child.

It is only recently since I started reading (and re-reading) Beth Moore's, "Believing God" that I realized the cycle that has played out through out my life.

I get distraught or disillusioned with life therefore, I spiral into making decisions that may not be the best for me or my family. This comes from my boredom with seeking God and not feeling as though I am receiving instant gratification from my submissiveness to His calling and His will for me.

The bad decisions I make may not seem life changing at the time. It may be simply to talk to God less or study His word less. This results in a bad attitude toward my husband and children and the role that I play in my family. (And less control over my tongue which could be an entire blog post on its own.)

 I learned once that the wife/mother plays the role of the Holy Spirit for her family. Don't get me wrong, we ladies are NOT THE HOLY SPIRIT, however, we were designed by God to have deeper feelings and somewhat greater intuition into the thoughts and feelings of others.

If I lose touch with God and His Holy Spirit in my life, then I lose touch with my family and in turn lose for us all.

The children of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years as a result of their lack of faith. They became disillusioned. They forgot all that God had done for them. Things hadn't worked out EXACTLY how they thought it should or in the time frame that they wish it would have. Therefore, their Promised Land was delayed.

How many times in this instant gratification world that we live in do we get bored? How many times do we lose sight of who God is through our wavering faithfulness?

I desire to be faithful to God because I want to dwell in the Promised Land that He has for me and my family. Only by dwelling in Him can I remain faithful. That is the cycle that I want to remain in. A cycle of faith not doubt. I desire to leave a legacy of faith for my children and grandchildren.


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How Fear Suffocates Life

Fear is griping, controlling, and ominous. It can dictate our paths and leave us as a crippled spectator in the game of life. 

There are many times I have stepped out regardless of fear and felt victorious. While there are other times I have stepped out, facing my fears and chasing my dreams, and fell flat on my face. 

Something inside of me only remembers the failures. Failing makes me want to give up and play it safe. When you are playing it safe you can't get hurt. There is no danger. However, there is no room for joy. 

Every time I have found out that I was expecting, I was scared to death. I could not figure out how I could be a mom or go through pregnancy. It never made sense. No matter that each time the circumstances were different. Sometimes better and sometimes worse. I was frightened. 

Had I let my fear dictate my life I would have missed out. Yes, children can be excruciatingly difficult but they can also bring excruciating joy. Joy that can be painful because it feels like your heart might explode. 

The book of Joshua keeps popping up in my life lately. God continuously tells Joshua not to be afraid. One might think Joshua had such strong faith that he would never fear. However, something tells me if God had to continue to remind him not to be afraid that he must have been scared to death. 

Maybe I'm not alone. Maybe being afraid doesn't mean my faith is lacking to the point that God can't use me. Maybe it is lacking to the point that he can pick me up and carry me when I don't have the strength and I can't see how things will turn out in the end. Maybe that can be used for His glory. 

They are the reason that I shouldn't fear. They are looking to me to teach them how to live life.  How to live it to the fullest and find happiness and joy in every moment. How to be an encourager and how to look for encouragement. 

I never want them to settle for a life less than all the adventures God has planned for them. 

It's hard to breathe with my head in my rear

It doesn't matter how many times you fall down. What matters is how you get back up. 

I just recently read an article on disappointment and it hit the nail on the head. I have struggled with disappointment all of my life. I have said before that I am a perfectionist. 

So what happens when a perfectionist is faced with the reality that she nor her life is perfect? 

Disappointment. 

It looms. It hangs over me like the gray northwest clouds. 

I get disappointed that I can't make everyone happy. I would so love to live in the land of make believe where I can be all things to all people  but you know what I realized?

That would make me god. And that is putting myself in a place that I  was never intended to be. People are imperfect. That's why we need a perfect God. 

And He is there. Waiting for me to get up and out of my funk. 

In the past several years I have experienced some disappointments. Very much brought on by my decision not to align my heart with God's calling or desire for my life.

I have tried to fulfill my life with my children, their education, my husband and his attention, a career, my abilities, and even religion and checking all the boxes for a good  "Christian". None of these things have brought complete fulfillment. 

When the object of my worship becomes anything other than God, disappointment sets in. 

With my extreme personality, I either want to save the world or hide from it. There is no in between. 

I can do an extremely good job of hiding when I have a baby. I take the job of keeping them well very personally and seriously. Having a two year old and a newborn has let me put myself in this hiding place for over two years now. 

In this place I can't do what God has called me to. I am not a good mother, wife, daughter, or friend.

I become absorbed with my failures. 

Well, I have decided that it is time to get my head out of my rear (for lack of better words) and quit wallowing in all of my mistakes.

You know what. I've screwed up. We all have and do everyday. It's time to hit the restart button and become what God intended me to be. 

It will be messy and ugly and never ever perfect........that is ok. 

I keep running across this song by Switchfoot. 

"Belief over misery. I've seen the enemy. And I won't go back. Back to how it was. And I got my heart set on what happens next. I've got my eyes wide it's not over yet. We are miracles and we're not alone."

This is home. 

Home can be and is a physical place but it can also be a place your mind lives. I want my mind to live in a place where belief trumps misery. I don't want to go back to how it was. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2cKNleDdUFY&sns=em 

Recap of 2013

Recap of 2013

Yes, it's February of 2014 but I was kind of busy bringing a person into the world in December. Better late than never, right?

Oh, 2013 what a year full of ups and downs.  Honestly, the start of a new year in Oregon can be kind of dreary. This lasts for quite sometime with no signs of letting up.  2013 was our first winter/spring in Oregon. If I said it was easy then I would be lying. 

We were trying our first attempt at homeschool/charter school with Isaac and Mallory. Zoe was walking and in to everything. Then we unexpectedly found out we were expecting.  Whew!

Deciding to stay at home and homeschool wasn't easy. One income is hard. One income and 4 kids.....harder. One income, 4 kids, new state/part of the country, homeschooling, toddlers, infants.....It was all overwhelming in my mind. 

Then right before summer officially started Isaac officially became a teenager!!  Erik and I came to grips with the fact that we are old and we will have a teenager and a newborn. Mind. blown.

Mallory also turned 8 and then in October Zoe turned 2!! She hit the terrible twos with full force and hasn't let up yet. 

To close the year Levi Kohen Emanuel came into the world. He is beautiful. 

I prayed through all of 2013 that God would provide Erik a job in Eugene. Since we have lived here he has worked out of town. After experiencing the dreariness of winter and spring and realizing that I was about to homeschool a teenager, an eight year-old, have a two year-old, and an infant, I knew I needed him to be closer to home. 

I am impatient. I prayed this prayer for over a year with nothing. I prayed that if God led us here that he wouldn't leave me here to drown in the day to day without Erik's help. Nothing. 

I became discouraged. I questioned. I gave up. I thought I needed Erik here in Eugene before Levi was born. It didn't happen. What was going to happen? What were we going to do?

Dramatic. I know. 

You know what happened? We survived. I gave birth in a foreign land (Eugene is pretty much like a different country compared to what I knew growing up in the South :). We had great help from my sister-in-law and brother and many meals brought from our church. 

Then just when I knew Erik would never be in Eugene everyday and I just needed to put on my big girl undies and get on with life, it happened!  He got a job offer here in Eugene and medical insurance!! Hallelujah!!  

I am too impatient. I worry. I give up. But God never gives up on us. He knew WHEN we needed this job. He heard my prayers which included insurance. 

Did it all happen when I thought it should?

 No. 

Did it happen when it needed to? 

Yes. 

Will we be millionaires who can take our children for vacations around the world or heck, who am I kidding, even just a trip to Disneyland?

No.

Are we learning to be patient?

Yes. 

Is it easy?

&$@@ NO!!!

Are we growing?

I sure hope so. 

Is it painful?

ABSOLUTELY!!!

Does a job complete our lives? No, but it is an answer to prayer. I feel like God is constantly telling me to be still and wait. Waiting is hard and listening is harder. 

What will 2014 bring?  Who knows?  We made it for a year, across the country from what was familiar, and we brought a new life into the world in 2013. 

In 2014 we will celebrate 15 years of marriage (and only like the first 15 were hard :)!! I don't know what else 2014 has in store but I am pretty sure it can't get much better than that!!!

The disease of perfection

Critical, harsh, unforgiving, self loathing these are all words I would use to describe my personality on most days. Wow! That's sunny and chipper, right? I know. Imagine living with that 24/7. Some of you can because you have the same tendency, while others may live with someone who has these same joyful personality traits. It's maddening. 

Complaining actually puts your brain in a bad funk. It's true. I heard there was a study on it. Look it up. 

My brain replays every sin that I can recall well, there are too many so maybe just the "highlights", daily. I am always trying to improve but I am constantly reminded of the horrible mistakes I made yesterday as well as many, many years ago. 

If feel like God is probably saying, "Seriously, you're going to bring up this again. I told you it's done. It's over. Move on!!" But thank goodness he has more patience with me than that. Although, I can't understand why. I would have been done with me long ago but he never gives up on us. 

I am also thankful that my husband never gives up on me. Unfortunately, this personality trait I have unleashes itself on those closest to me as well. No one likes to be reminded of their faults, failures, and everything they have said or done wrong continuously.  Love holds no record of wrongs.  

I expect my husband to know how to handle me and do what is best for me all the time. I expect him to speak gently, to calm me when I get in my type A craziness. Many times he does but he isn't perfect. He can't be my therapist and know how to "talk me down" from the ledge all the time. It is unfair of me to put that burden on him. 

God is the only one who can fulfill my needs of perfection. He is perfect. I never will be. When I am lost in my whirlwind of needing to be perfect and needing everyone else to be perfect, only He can calm my storm.  

I have to allow Him to soothe me. I can insist on intrinsically picking myself apart or picking my family apart or I can extrinsically reach out to God and reach out to others to be helpful instead of hurtful. I can enjoy instead of destroy. (That last part got a little charismatic preacher there.)

I don't share my shortcomings to air my dirty laundry or so that others might say "bless her heart". I share my faults so that maybe others who are struggling with perfection, which leads to depression, might know that they aren't alone or crazy. I know when I find that other people feel the same way I do or struggle with the same issues, it gives me comfort. 

We find God in the struggle. 

How did these get in my bedroom?

I once met a lady who was pregnant with her fourth child. As we were talking somehow the subject came to the fact that her new infant would be sharing a bedroom with her and her husband, due to lack of space in their home. I remember being appalled. 

You see at the time I was a young mom who was pregnant with my second child. I had a bedroom for everyone in my house and I just couldn't wrap my mind around setting up a nursery in my OWN bedroom. 

Oh. My. 

How silly and spoiled was I?

I also remember having a four bedroom home and only two children and actually thinking that I didn't know where I would put another baby if I had one, because my spare bedroom was used for the tread mill and all the other junk that we didn't know what to do with. 

Again. Wow. 

Looking back on that Miranda makes me want to puke. You see I thought that happiness meant stuff, large homes, new cars, pedicures, new clothes, and jewelry. I was annoying and no matter what I had there was always something new that I or my children had to have or else we wouldn't be like everyone else. 

I didn't want others to think I, or my children, were weird or strange or poor. Those labels terrified me!

Bless my heart. 

Now, I am that mom who is about to have four children and........my forth will be sharing a bedroom with my husband and I!  SHOCKING!!!!!

 My home is half the size of that four bedroom home I once had, and I am lucky enough to drive a nice van with room for all of these children. (It is still nice even though it has a large dent in the front bumper. I blame that on pregnancy and sleep deprivation.)

I never want to be the Miranda that I use to be. Although, she still rears her ugly head from time to time to whine about things. (If I am honest her head looks better than the current Miranda's because she keeps her roots done.)  I am trying my best to keep her at bay.

Levi might not get his own bedroom. Actually, he may NEVER get his own bedroom but I hope that I can give him and my other children much more than that.