Mommy Wars...Welcome to the Cage Fight!

Stay at home mom vs. working mom. 

Public school vs. homeschool vs. private school vs. charter school.....Oy Vey!!!! Can't we all just get along?!?!?

We've all seen the "Mommy Wars" played out online through blogs, comments, and articles. I've been in the trenches in this battle as a participator and as a spectator. 

I've participated in both sides of the condescending and degrading comments such as..."What does she have to do all day?" Referring to the stay at home mom and then of course there is....."Well, if all I had to do was sit at home all day I would......" Fill in the rest of that sentence with whatever judgement fits the circumstance. And....."She just doesn't want to work." Implying that the stay at home mom is lazy. 

Then there's the judgment of the working mom. "Well, she just drops her kids off with someone else all day long. She has to make that money so she can pay for that lifestyle."  Blah, blah and so on.  

And Where do I even begin with what others say about homeschooling moms? We are freaks of nature. Our kids can't possibly go to college (even though they do and often times before completing high school just as they can in public school) or function normally in society. 

All homeschooling parents must think public school is the devil. (Which we don't. I think each family and child has a unique set of circumstances. Sometimes homeschooling is best, sometimes public, sometimes private, and even though I would be chastised in Montgomery, AL, sometimes charter schools.....gasp! Why don't we figure out how states that have thriving public and public charter schools do it? I don't know, I'm just a crazy homeschooler.)

I've been on ALL sides of this battle. I admired and was envious of stay at home moms when I was a working mother and now I admire and am envious of working moms now that I am a prisoner...um...I mean...stay at home mom. (Jokes and sarcasm intended)

So here's the point. We all want what we don't have. It's human nature. Someone else's life always looks more enticing than our own. "The grass is always greener" but then when you get over to that "grass" you see (and smell) all of the fertilizer, and it doesn't smell like scentsy or essential oils.  (In case you were wondering, it's poop. I believe I may have written these same words before, but it's a never ending battle and could stand to be reiterated.)

I've heard it said time and time again, we have to water our own grass. If our grass is dying, then we have to do something about it. Sometimes that requires stinky fertilizer, (which is a metaphor for hard work.) 

What we shouldn't do is start lashing out at the person or people who appear to have what we want. (And by "we" I mean "me",  preaching to myself) Or the ones who appear happier than we are because 99% of the time they are fighting their own battle that we know nothing about.  As my husband put it most of us are "like a duck on the water, it looks calm and peaceful from above but underneath it is moving it's feet as fast as it can."  

Before we moved to Eugene I was terrified of raising my children on the "liberal" west coast. That was my view of it because I had never lived out of the south. I was terrified of the unknown. I felt like I didn't belong there but I grew to love it, while still feeling like an outsider. 

However, I feel like an outsider in the south too. I love it but I've never felt like I belong here either. I know that's probably all of my own psychological issues. (Someone needs to crack open the DSM and diagnose me. I'm just kidding. Please don't. :)

I think in all of this transition and change I have gained some insight.  I haven't figured anything out or gotten any answers necessarily, but I realized that we are all just people. 

We are all just trying to live our lives. We are all trying to figure it all out and it gets messy and we make mistakes (sometimes big, sometimes small). In the end we are all just trying to make it through. 

The south has some great qualities and so does the west. Stay at home moms have some great perks but so do working moms. For the most part we are all just people trying to do the best we can with what we have. I don't think there is a perfect answer or a perfect place, at least not here on Earth in this life. 

So for me while I try to figure out what will work best for my family....While I try to navigate homeschool vs. public school vs. private school vs. working mom vs. stay at home mom....I am challenging myself to stay in a healthy mind set. To not offer judgement to those who do things differently than I do and to not covet what they have or envy them. 

I have my own unique circumstances and my own unique children. I'll probably get this wrong more than I will get it right but I will keep trying. 

Now if I could just figure out how to turn writing my thoughts into making money then I would be a stay at home mom/working mom. I'm sure that would offer it's own set of issues which would require it's own blog. I would just settle for a writing seminar with Jen Hatmaker and Ann Voskamp. Let's make that happen!

Going Home

As the saying goes, "You can't go home again."  I guess that's quotation mark worthy. Not really sure who gets the credit, but I think they might be wrong. 

You CAN go home again. I should know. My family and I have done it in the past and we are about to embark on the adventure of returning home once more. 

Oregon has been amazing in so many ways. It's beauty is absolutely breath taking. The people have been so kind. We have learned and grown so much as a family. We have leaned on each other like never before. We have welcomed a new member of our family. It has been an unforgettable experience. 

While it has been unforgettable and amazing, I would be lying if I didn't say that it has also been challenging. We have been stretched like never before, although I am well aware that even in our trying times we still have had it really good. Our family has so many things to be thankful for. 

We have learned even more about ourselves and sometimes it's been ugly, but I suspect that most of the time growth is painful and not very pretty. 

Erik and I have prayed for a long time for guidance and direction for our family. I truly feel that we were guided here for a season to learn and grow. Now we feel that we are being guided to Albertville, Alabama. 

This was in no way a decision that was made without falling on our face before God and begging for His direction. Well, I'll be honest because I am honest to a fault (that's for sure). I've screamed and cried like a baby. Not because I don't want to return to Alabama, but because I don't want to go anywhere that God isn't leading, and I have found that KNOWING for sure where He is leading is not exactly crystal clear many times.

 More times than not we just have to pray, see where the doors are opening and where they are closing, and step out on faith. I found this to be true two years ago when we embarked on this westward adventure and I still find it to be true today as we are about to embark on a trip southward. 

Sometimes I picture that God might grow tired of my endless questions, which primarily have been consumed with need for direction lately.  In my mind I picture Him thinking....seriously...here she is again! Screaming like a baby asking for direction. Could she just settle down a little? 

I think of all of the mothers who have children dying of starvation, diseases, being murdered or sold into slavery, and here I am crying over what type of education I should give my children or what privileged area of the United States I am going to raise them in? Really? I just need to get over myself.

HOWEVER, our God loves us more than we can ever imagine (even though I question Him, ask Him to prove He is really there and really listening to my whinny self) Despite all of my short comings (and there are too many to count) He loves me. Why? I don't know. But I do know that His word tells us that He loves us and He wants to give us good things. 

"If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" Matthew 7:11 NIV 

While we will greatly miss Oregon and the people here, we are looking forward to a new chapter. We hope that we are returning home with a new vision, a new direction in our lives, AND we can't wait to spend time with family and worship and grow once again with our friends at Lifepoint. 

Oh.....and we hope to introduce Sand Mountain to a little thing called lacrosse :)

Does God Love Immigrant Children and Muslims?

It happens. And it can be humiliating. Your child, there in a public place, screaming and crying. You feel the stares, the judgement. As if that isn't enough to make you want to sit down and cry, someone decides to offer their judgement and condemnation aloud about the fact that you have "so many kids" and that you can't control them. 

That's it. My day feels deflated. I feel like a total loser who in the words of many (which use to include myself) obviously just breeds and lives off the government. Or, I am a mindless woman who thinks that all she can do in life is be barefoot and pregnant. 

I know to many these seem like harsh statements coming from a place of hurt and hatred but this is how many women in our society feel. Why?  Why do we do this to each other?

I'll be the first to admit I am quick to judge. This is something that I feel like God has been dealing with me over the past couple of years. I pray almost daily for God to make my heart and mind more like His, even though I am light years away from that, I think by bringing me to my knees, my mind and heart have started to change. 

Our family has faced many hardships over the past few years. Many times due to our own mistakes but at other times due to unforeseeable circumstances. 

In my mind, the only way I was capable of showing love and compassion to "the least of these" was to be "above them".  Not having "too many kids", having plenty of money and resources, these were some of the qualifications in my mind for helping others. How could I offer anything if I don't have enough myself?

In reality, I have more than enough. My family does not go hungry. We have transportation, healthcare, clean water, good housing. When I start running down the list of these basic things that many in our world live without, then I am rich. 

So as an election year approaches I ask the question.....Can we stop pledging our allegiance to being liberal, conservative, democrat, or republican, libertarian, or whatever we might consider ourselves? Why don't we just start being human?  

Why don't we reach out and help that poor struggling mother in the grocery store?  Why don't we offer a hand or a smile, instead of judging her purchases and life choices as she uses her food stamp card?

Even though I might be struggling too, why don't I reach out with a "I feel your pain and you're doing a good job Mommy. Even though you may feel like you are drowning right now, just keep treading water. You'll soon see the shore and it will be beautiful."

If someone chooses to have "a lot of kids" or no children. Why should we judge?  If someone chooses to marry or not, work or stay home, homeschool their children or choose public school, or private school, why should any of this matter?  

Can we just cheer each other on?  Can we offer a helping hand and a kind uplifting word?  Can we stop thinking maybe they "deserve it" if they are struggling or dealing with misfortune? 

What if we all started looking at each other through God's eyes?  We are ALL His children. He loves us ALL. 

Those immigrant moms, dads, sons, and daughters who are scared, hungry, and sick at our borders. He loves them. 

Those Muslim extremists who are beheading the weak and innocent. He loves them. He wants them to come to Him and know Him and change their hearts. 

The person who is dying of a horrible communicable disease that the world is terrified of. He loves them. 

I believe what God wants is for us to show love to each other right where we are. Sure, there are risks involved. There are many who won't accept His love. They won't allow it to penetrate their cold, unwilling hearts. They have been trained to hate since birth. Their mind can't leave that place. It's all they know. 

That's why it is even more important for those of us who have felt God's grace and love to show it and give it freely and train our children to do the same. We may be the only light some may see. Our smile and caring gesture may touch their hearts. It might just keep them from the edge. To know that someone cares or that there is actually a kind heart in this world just might stop a bullet. It might save a life. 

You never know what one act of kindness might spark. When we stop looking at each other through economic, political, religious, cultural and racial stereotypes, with our predispositions and misconceptions then maybe....just maybe...there will be room for God's love, grace, kindness and mercy. 

What would our world look like then?

A New Easter

Easter and it's traditions have changed for us since we have moved to Oregon. No fancy new clothes. No large family gatherings. Things are different here. 

I miss a lot of our old traditions, but I have realized that I need to make new ones. 

(These are my children hunting eggs in very non-traditional, southern Easter attire.)

I started thinking about making new traditions when we first moved here and it overwhelmed me. How do I let go of the past and embrace the present?

I have found that this move has been refining me. Hopefully, it's a process of sanctification, if I will allow it. 

I have had to focus on the REAL meaning of the holidays. Not that I didn't before, but in my search for what should be emphasized in my family, I found that I had to get real with myself. 

That is absolutely terrifying and disgustingly ugly. You know what I found....I'm not really a nice person. 

I desire to focus on God and His love for us and how he sent his one and only son to die a horrible, humiliating death for us. And Jesus did all of that then He rose again. He beat death!!!

Not only did He do ALL OF THAT, he taught us so many things in His short time on this earth. He taught us to love everyone. Not judge and condemn (that's not our job) but love, help, and invest. 

I have a hard time with that. Loving others is messy. It takes time. I will probably say and/or do something stupid or offensive and mess it all up. Why put myself out there like that?

But.....if I REALLY BELIEVE then I will. I will put my money where my mouth is and try to know people and love them. 

That has become EXTREMELY hard for me. I don't like the risk that relationships involve.  There inevitably will be a goodbye involved and I am terrible at saying goodbye. I would rather chew my own arm off than say goodbye to someone I may or may not see again. 

However, that is the price of love. I imagine that Jesus felt the same sadness of goodbye, even though He knew the outcome, He understands our feelings. I imagine that Jesus' mother was distraught as well as His disciples. 

Understanding that I have to live out the gospel, love others, and invest in them no matter where I am is tough. Risk is always involved. Someone may want to take more than I can give or I may be a total let down to anyone who gets to know me, but the effort must be given in order to have life and have it more abundantly. 

That's the new tradition that I desire for my family. A tradition of discipleship, really knowing and studying the Gospels and prophecy in the Bible, serving and loving all of those around us. No matter the differences or the risk of investment. 

"Love alone is worth the fight."

Switchfoot 

Save the drama for your mama....oh wait, please don't!!!!

My two year-old is a drama queen with a capital D!!  Most days start off with crying drama the minute she wakes up. Her sister walked out of the bedroom before her, she doesn't want a diaper change (Even though her diaper is bursting and leaking all over her.), she wants to watch T.V., etc.  Poor Zoe can have an emotional break down over ANYTHING at ANYTIME.

While her constant roller coaster of drama can make me feel as though I am trapped inside a glass case of emotion, believe it or not...... I get bored.  How on earth I could ever find the time to be board is a complete mystery, but somehow I do.

It is the monotony of the everyday. Being a stay at home mom can be so rewarding and fulfilling however, when I know exactly how the day will unfold, and I may not even make it out of the house (depending on the day's schedule), it can bring a person to tears.

In this boredom/monotony, I can find myself cycling into a doubt. I get stuck in a rut so I get down and when I get down I can doubt that God is even there. (I know not another depression blog but stick with me :)

Don't get me wrong, I truly believe that He is there and I have believed in His power since I was a child.

It is only recently since I started reading (and re-reading) Beth Moore's, "Believing God" that I realized the cycle that has played out through out my life.

I get distraught or disillusioned with life therefore, I spiral into making decisions that may not be the best for me or my family. This comes from my boredom with seeking God and not feeling as though I am receiving instant gratification from my submissiveness to His calling and His will for me.

The bad decisions I make may not seem life changing at the time. It may be simply to talk to God less or study His word less. This results in a bad attitude toward my husband and children and the role that I play in my family. (And less control over my tongue which could be an entire blog post on its own.)

 I learned once that the wife/mother plays the role of the Holy Spirit for her family. Don't get me wrong, we ladies are NOT THE HOLY SPIRIT, however, we were designed by God to have deeper feelings and somewhat greater intuition into the thoughts and feelings of others.

If I lose touch with God and His Holy Spirit in my life, then I lose touch with my family and in turn lose for us all.

The children of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years as a result of their lack of faith. They became disillusioned. They forgot all that God had done for them. Things hadn't worked out EXACTLY how they thought it should or in the time frame that they wish it would have. Therefore, their Promised Land was delayed.

How many times in this instant gratification world that we live in do we get bored? How many times do we lose sight of who God is through our wavering faithfulness?

I desire to be faithful to God because I want to dwell in the Promised Land that He has for me and my family. Only by dwelling in Him can I remain faithful. That is the cycle that I want to remain in. A cycle of faith not doubt. I desire to leave a legacy of faith for my children and grandchildren.


Sent from my iPhone

How Fear Suffocates Life

Fear is griping, controlling, and ominous. It can dictate our paths and leave us as a crippled spectator in the game of life. 

There are many times I have stepped out regardless of fear and felt victorious. While there are other times I have stepped out, facing my fears and chasing my dreams, and fell flat on my face. 

Something inside of me only remembers the failures. Failing makes me want to give up and play it safe. When you are playing it safe you can't get hurt. There is no danger. However, there is no room for joy. 

Every time I have found out that I was expecting, I was scared to death. I could not figure out how I could be a mom or go through pregnancy. It never made sense. No matter that each time the circumstances were different. Sometimes better and sometimes worse. I was frightened. 

Had I let my fear dictate my life I would have missed out. Yes, children can be excruciatingly difficult but they can also bring excruciating joy. Joy that can be painful because it feels like your heart might explode. 

The book of Joshua keeps popping up in my life lately. God continuously tells Joshua not to be afraid. One might think Joshua had such strong faith that he would never fear. However, something tells me if God had to continue to remind him not to be afraid that he must have been scared to death. 

Maybe I'm not alone. Maybe being afraid doesn't mean my faith is lacking to the point that God can't use me. Maybe it is lacking to the point that he can pick me up and carry me when I don't have the strength and I can't see how things will turn out in the end. Maybe that can be used for His glory. 

They are the reason that I shouldn't fear. They are looking to me to teach them how to live life.  How to live it to the fullest and find happiness and joy in every moment. How to be an encourager and how to look for encouragement. 

I never want them to settle for a life less than all the adventures God has planned for them. 

It's hard to breathe with my head in my rear

It doesn't matter how many times you fall down. What matters is how you get back up. 

I just recently read an article on disappointment and it hit the nail on the head. I have struggled with disappointment all of my life. I have said before that I am a perfectionist. 

So what happens when a perfectionist is faced with the reality that she nor her life is perfect? 

Disappointment. 

It looms. It hangs over me like the gray northwest clouds. 

I get disappointed that I can't make everyone happy. I would so love to live in the land of make believe where I can be all things to all people  but you know what I realized?

That would make me god. And that is putting myself in a place that I  was never intended to be. People are imperfect. That's why we need a perfect God. 

And He is there. Waiting for me to get up and out of my funk. 

In the past several years I have experienced some disappointments. Very much brought on by my decision not to align my heart with God's calling or desire for my life.

I have tried to fulfill my life with my children, their education, my husband and his attention, a career, my abilities, and even religion and checking all the boxes for a good  "Christian". None of these things have brought complete fulfillment. 

When the object of my worship becomes anything other than God, disappointment sets in. 

With my extreme personality, I either want to save the world or hide from it. There is no in between. 

I can do an extremely good job of hiding when I have a baby. I take the job of keeping them well very personally and seriously. Having a two year old and a newborn has let me put myself in this hiding place for over two years now. 

In this place I can't do what God has called me to. I am not a good mother, wife, daughter, or friend.

I become absorbed with my failures. 

Well, I have decided that it is time to get my head out of my rear (for lack of better words) and quit wallowing in all of my mistakes.

You know what. I've screwed up. We all have and do everyday. It's time to hit the restart button and become what God intended me to be. 

It will be messy and ugly and never ever perfect........that is ok. 

I keep running across this song by Switchfoot. 

"Belief over misery. I've seen the enemy. And I won't go back. Back to how it was. And I got my heart set on what happens next. I've got my eyes wide it's not over yet. We are miracles and we're not alone."

This is home. 

Home can be and is a physical place but it can also be a place your mind lives. I want my mind to live in a place where belief trumps misery. I don't want to go back to how it was. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2cKNleDdUFY&sns=em